Moving Out

I just read the Facebook post of a mother of a 3 month old baby. She said she moved her baby out of their room and into her crib in her own room the other night. Although it is something I've done in the past I could not even imagine doing it now. Z is going on 6 months and the thought hasn't crossed my mind.
We moved our oldest, M, out of our room at 3 months. She was formula fed, slept through the nights and the girl was incredibly active. I'm sure I thought she would pull herself out of her pack n play bassinet soon. So she was moved out.

L, our second, was probably moved out before 6 months of age. I breastfed her for only two months. I think we waited a little longer because I was putting her in the same room as M and was afraid they would wake each other up.

N, baby number three, slept in our bed... I mean our room, for his first year of life. In all honestly he hardly goes a night without paying us a visit. We have an extremely comfy bed. I don't blame him.

Anyways, he was breastfed until maybe 9 months. I started work and the milk started to not be there. He was transitioned from his bassinet to his crib in our room. We were blessed to have the space in our room. I know some families don't. I almost didn't think twice about leaving him in with us. He was still waking up in the middle of the night and I always laid down to nurse him. To imagine getting up and going to get him in another room so I could bring him into our bed to nurse him and then to get up and go to another room to lay him back down to sleep. It sounded like a lot of walking. He would have spent half the night in our bed with us- oh wait, he did that anyway!

I am not trying to put anyone down for their life choices. I just couldn't imagine doing it now and regret doing it before. Regret? Yep. I said it. There are many benefits to room sharing, co-sleeping and even bed-sharing.

When M was little, J worked night shift, her bedroom was on the other end of the apartment. I had the monitor on when we slept at night but sometimes I would go the whole night without hearing a peep from her. I could not bring myself to go check on her before J go home in the morning. I feared there would be a dead baby. Room sharing prevents that from happening. I am totally aware of my sleeping babies breathing. There are actual studies that show that co-sleeping reduces the chances of SIDS. Most importantly, babies need us. They need to be close to us. Eventually they sleep in their own beds in their own rooms. It really is not a big deal to have them spend their life as a baby in your bed or your room close to you.

Like I said, Z is almost 6 months old and the only thing I've thought of doing is transitioning her into a crib just because she is almost at the pulling-herself-up or sitting-up-on-her-own stage. The crib would of course be in our room.

So.. how about you? When did your babies move out?

for someone special

you know who you are

pictures taken sometime during the last month

frustrations

Z goes from gaining a good amount of weight one week to failing to gain a sufficient amount of weight the next week.
We are talking ounces here. Ounces. Which means that pooping or peeing before a scheduled weight check can have an effect on our results.
It is nerve wrecking to say the least and I wait patiently for the number on the scale to go up. Not. Breathing. Until it stays on the result.

Ounces.
We headed down the see the specialist last week in Grand Rapids. This is the dreaded neurological specialist. The one Z's former doctor had threatened to call CPS on us if we didn't make and go to an appointment with her. Ridiculous. I was under the assumption that they would want to do a large amount of unneeded tests on our little Z.

Boy, was I wrong. Who would have thought that they were on our side of things... agreeing that "shot in the dark" tests don't do anyone any good. THAT was good to hear from someone high up in the medical community. So she and the lactation consultant in her office agreed that we shouldn't be supplementing with formula anymore and that the Mother's Milk tea that I have been drinking is the factor in the equation that could be helping our sweet little Z-girl gain the weight that she needs.

Good to hear.

What sucks is that this Mother's Milk tea is hard to find apart from getting it online-which I just did yesterday-I ordered a good caseload of it. Our local health food store has been out of it for weeks and I was told not to go with the brand I bought at Meijer. So for the past two weeks we have been searching for the right brand drinking the wrong brand and Z has gained only 3 ounces per week. Now we are back on the right brand. I almost ran out of it again but was able to find some in Mt. Pleasant yesterday. I bought out that local health food store.

I can absolutely notice a difference in my milk supply while I am on the tea. Z is also doing a nightly marathon of nursing. I am praying this is her three month growth spurt that we missed last month. We were able to get her weighed today and she has already gained 3 ounces this week. Yay! Her official weight check in on Tuesday and hopefully we will have a total of 5 or 6 ounces gained so the talks of supplementing with formula will cease. Maybe, just maybe, this roller coaster we have been riding will stop and life will be a nice walk in the park.

Thanks to everyone who has stood behind and beside us through the past 4 months and have taken my phone calls and emails of frustration/defeat/elation.

Who knew that only a little bit of tea daily would be what would solve this problem. I wish I would have bought some months ago. I blame it on my lack of time.

We always need something to blame it on.

Morning Conversation with the Boy

Little N, "what you doing?"

Me, considering the fact I've heard this question a million times already this morning, choose to ignore the question. Maybe he will forget that he asked it and go on driving(pushing) his truck around the house. No such luck.

Little N, "MOMMY, what you doing?"

Me, ignoring that he placed my name in front of the question as if I didn't know it was directed at me the first time he asked it. I don't answer, am I ignorant too? Don't I realize he is just as stubborn as I am?

Little N, clearing his throat in a cute 2 year old boy sort of way, "Ah aaah"

Me, giving in to his persistence, "WHAT?!"

Little N, knowing that he has won, "What are you doing? "

Me, "Changing. Now, go find your father" Little N drives away.

Clarity in Chaos-for real!

Z just fell asleep in my arms. Without nursing. Without rocking. Without hushing. Without any movement what-so-ever. If anyone knows anything about Z and her personality these last few months you would know that this is major. I want to cry. I just might cry.
She is the sweetest, funniest, happiest baby ever. EVER.
Z has been the neediest baby out of our four. I thought number four would be easy. I thought, after having three children already, that I was an experienced mother who knew everything that needs to be know about babies. Z has proven me wrong on many levels.
Z, before we started supplementing with formula, wanted to be held or nursed-all the time! She was not content when she was put down. She did however sleep a good 4-6 hours at night. Good thing too. I might have gone insane if she hadn't .
The past three months have been more than exhausting. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs twist and turns. Z was slowly, slowly gaining weight. About 2-3oz less than recommended. Long story short we have added about 1-2oz of formula to her diet on a daily basis and she is a completely different girl(kind of). She naps. She doesn't need to be held and doesn't demand to be fed all the time. Formula wasn't what I wanted and she hasn't been too fond of it either. She HATES bottles. Formula did make her gassy and we have since switched kinds and it has helped. This week she gained 6oz and now weighs 7lbs 3oz. She is finally getting to a great newborn weight! We've broken out the 0-3 month clothes for her! Soon I'll need to buy bigger diapers! The ones we bought were only suppose to last the first 6 weeks!
Deep breath.
I love her uncontrollably. But I've never met a baby like her before. My little Z-girl.

October

October is my favorite month... for many reasons.
Fall, my favorite season, is in full bloom. The leaves are changing colors. The morning air is nice and crisp. Apple cider. Pumpkins.
Ocotber reminds me of the Tulsa State Fair and trips to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. My Birthday and some of my besties' birthdays.
It is a wonderful month.
This month is also marked with fresh heartache. My forth child was lost this month, just a year ago, on the third(which is also my nephew's birthday).
I remember it like yesterday. The night before I was working, it was a busy night, I closed and my first clue to something being amiss was that I made it through without needing to eat something. The next morning I awoke to cramping and blood and that was the beginning of the worst couple days/week of my life.
But isn't that life? That joys and heartaches come together?

Daughters

A little something I've been thinking about.
I've been meaning to write this for awhile now but couldn't because we were keeping the fact that Z was a girl a secret.
I grew up with brothers, two of them, I was wedged in-between them with one being older and one being younger. I've always dreamed of having lots of children, mostly lots of boys. Right before I had children I thought five boys would be nice. Then I became pregnant- with a girl. I was..... disappointed. Maybe a little confused too. Boys were my dream. ALL boys. Yet, God threw me this curve ball of a first born daughter. I didn't know anything about girls, never was much of a "girl" myself growing up. I always wanted to be a tomboy but my shyness prevented me from really being one. I didn't know how I would handle a daughter, girls were so dramatic, so katty, so girlish. I declared that this daughter of mine should not wear pink! She was going to be as boyish I could make her.
The pink thing didn't last long. Then after that I had to get used to Disney Princesses and Care Bears( really dislike them) and Barbies( we just have a few, I've been able to keep Barbies at bay).
Then less than a year later I was blessed with yet another daughter. More pink. More girlly things. When she was a year old I bought my first pink shirt that I willingly wore. Who was this person I was turning into.
My dream of having five boys was quickly fading. That would mean seven kids. J and I compromised with five.
After a few more years I became pregnant again, this time with a boy! Yes! Finally the son I always dreamed about. He is that and much more. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect son. But as he grew I realized the nature of boys and started appreciating my girls more. I can't say which are easier to raise or are "better" to have. Girls and Boys are just different.
Then came Z. At her ultrasound I was scanning the screen trying to make boy parts appear where they were missing. Another girl? Are you sure? How positive are you? But even with the girl confirmation, the joy I have had keeping her a secret and the little things I have bought for her a secret, I still wasn't sure she was a girl until after she came out and I checked her to make sure. Why? Because I was sure I was suppose to be a mother to a bunch of sons.

God knew better. Her ultrasound awakened me. I began to think of what it meant to be a mother to daughters. All along I was having girls and hoping for boys and I never thought much about what raising daughters should be like, I was still holding out for the boys to come but then WHAM three girls?

A mother to daughters.

Pink.

Braided hair.

Ribbons.

Dresses.

Dress up clothes.

Baby dolls.

This is my life.

Teaching them to be strong, unwavering, patient, kind, gentle, someday good mothers to their children. I realized I needed to kick it up a notch. I realized that I needed to learn more about being a mother to girls. I think I need to be more caring, loving, a good example of what a mother should be. I know I've failed sometimes. I've been too harsh, not a good listener, not motherly, I've yelled when I should have held my temper and the list goes on of the mistakes I've made. But I'm now up to the challenge. I've decided to learn what this mothering of girls is suppose to be like. I want to be a positive influence on my daughters. I want them to learn from my mistakes so they don't need to make their own. I want to be there for them when their world is falling apart. I want to be the first one they want to call when something great happens in their life or when something horrible happens in their life. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything.

I love that Z has brought be to this point in my life. Such a little life has renewed my perspective on life. She is truly a blessing to me. All my daughters are.