I've been meaning to write this for awhile now but couldn't because we were keeping the fact that Z was a girl a secret.
I grew up with brothers, two of them, I was wedged in-between them with one being older and one being younger. I've always dreamed of having lots of children, mostly lots of boys. Right before I had children I thought five boys would be nice. Then I became pregnant- with a girl. I was..... disappointed. Maybe a little confused too. Boys were my dream. ALL boys. Yet, God threw me this curve ball of a first born daughter. I didn't know anything about girls, never was much of a "girl" myself growing up. I always wanted to be a tomboy but my shyness prevented me from really being one. I didn't know how I would handle a daughter, girls were so dramatic, so katty, so girlish. I declared that this daughter of mine should not wear pink! She was going to be as boyish I could make her.
The pink thing didn't last long. Then after that I had to get used to Disney Princesses and Care Bears( really dislike them) and Barbies( we just have a few, I've been able to keep Barbies at bay).
Then less than a year later I was blessed with yet another daughter. More pink. More girlly things. When she was a year old I bought my first pink shirt that I willingly wore. Who was this person I was turning into.
My dream of having five boys was quickly fading. That would mean seven kids. J and I compromised with five.
After a few more years I became pregnant again, this time with a boy! Yes! Finally the son I always dreamed about. He is that and much more. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect son. But as he grew I realized the nature of boys and started appreciating my girls more. I can't say which are easier to raise or are "better" to have. Girls and Boys are just different.
Then came Z. At her ultrasound I was scanning the screen trying to make boy parts appear where they were missing. Another girl? Are you sure? How positive are you? But even with the girl confirmation, the joy I have had keeping her a secret and the little things I have bought for her a secret, I still wasn't sure she was a girl until after she came out and I checked her to make sure. Why? Because I was sure I was suppose to be a mother to a bunch of sons.
God knew better. Her ultrasound awakened me. I began to think of what it meant to be a mother to daughters. All along I was having girls and hoping for boys and I never thought much about what raising daughters should be like, I was still holding out for the boys to come but then WHAM three girls?
A mother to daughters.
Pink.
Braided hair.
Ribbons.
Dresses.
Dress up clothes.
Baby dolls.
This is my life.
Teaching them to be strong, unwavering, patient, kind, gentle, someday good mothers to their children. I realized I needed to kick it up a notch. I realized that I needed to learn more about being a mother to girls. I think I need to be more caring, loving, a good example of what a mother should be. I know I've failed sometimes. I've been too harsh, not a good listener, not motherly, I've yelled when I should have held my temper and the list goes on of the mistakes I've made. But I'm now up to the challenge. I've decided to learn what this mothering of girls is suppose to be like. I want to be a positive influence on my daughters. I want them to learn from my mistakes so they don't need to make their own. I want to be there for them when their world is falling apart. I want to be the first one they want to call when something great happens in their life or when something horrible happens in their life. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything.
I love that Z has brought be to this point in my life. Such a little life has renewed my perspective on life. She is truly a blessing to me. All my daughters are.
