Grief

It's hard to write this but it needs to be written.

I've been feeling a little down lately, overwhelmed maybe, I honestly can't describe it and I didn't figure out why until I happened to visit babycenter.com on my iPad where I must have signed up for pregnancy updates when I was pregnant before this pregnancy.

I've been wondering lately when my other baby was due. I knew it was coming soon or maybe it had passed without me knowing.

But I guess I did know even though I didn't know.

Apparently I was due two weeks ago.

Grief is a sneaky emotion.

It seems to come and go.. maybe like ocean waves?

The mourning process is hard after you miscarry. It seems like the world around you is over it way before you are. When people are willing to talk to you about it you are not ready to talk about it. When you are ready to start the healing process, everyone has seemed to have forgotten that it ever happened. Eventually you might try to forget and live your life as if it never happened and then BANG! it hits you again. The emotion. The longing for what could have been. It's been in my mind a lot lately and now I know why. My body, my mind, my soul, my spirit, all want to be holding a newborn baby. A baby that is at least two weeks old right now.

This pregnancy has helped me to heal. But not fully heal. It has been like a fake healing. I've been able to push aside my feelings because I've had to focus on the life that is growing inside me. It's been good but also bad.

It's crazy how one event can train-wreck your life. Before I seemed so focused. Homeschooling was going great. It was what I would call our most planned pregnancy. Then it failed. I felt like I failed. It made it hard to recover. Homeschooling was stalled and it never really got back on the track it was on before. My life is still a ongoing process of getting back on the right path.

Now I need to learn to somehow grieve alongside my joy.

I've been thinking a lot about this LIFE inside me and how this LIFE would not, could not, be here if the miscarriage had not happened. How could I be pregnant with this one if I was pregnant with the one before? It wouldn't have happened. It almost makes me think that this one is extra special.

My extra special blessing from God.

They have purpose.

A unique calling on their life.

Those are my thoughts as I start this recovery process, yet again. You can grieve with me if you like and we can all pray for the mothers, fathers, families, that are dealing with the loss of life.