for someone special

you know who you are

pictures taken sometime during the last month

frustrations

Z goes from gaining a good amount of weight one week to failing to gain a sufficient amount of weight the next week.
We are talking ounces here. Ounces. Which means that pooping or peeing before a scheduled weight check can have an effect on our results.
It is nerve wrecking to say the least and I wait patiently for the number on the scale to go up. Not. Breathing. Until it stays on the result.

Ounces.
We headed down the see the specialist last week in Grand Rapids. This is the dreaded neurological specialist. The one Z's former doctor had threatened to call CPS on us if we didn't make and go to an appointment with her. Ridiculous. I was under the assumption that they would want to do a large amount of unneeded tests on our little Z.

Boy, was I wrong. Who would have thought that they were on our side of things... agreeing that "shot in the dark" tests don't do anyone any good. THAT was good to hear from someone high up in the medical community. So she and the lactation consultant in her office agreed that we shouldn't be supplementing with formula anymore and that the Mother's Milk tea that I have been drinking is the factor in the equation that could be helping our sweet little Z-girl gain the weight that she needs.

Good to hear.

What sucks is that this Mother's Milk tea is hard to find apart from getting it online-which I just did yesterday-I ordered a good caseload of it. Our local health food store has been out of it for weeks and I was told not to go with the brand I bought at Meijer. So for the past two weeks we have been searching for the right brand drinking the wrong brand and Z has gained only 3 ounces per week. Now we are back on the right brand. I almost ran out of it again but was able to find some in Mt. Pleasant yesterday. I bought out that local health food store.

I can absolutely notice a difference in my milk supply while I am on the tea. Z is also doing a nightly marathon of nursing. I am praying this is her three month growth spurt that we missed last month. We were able to get her weighed today and she has already gained 3 ounces this week. Yay! Her official weight check in on Tuesday and hopefully we will have a total of 5 or 6 ounces gained so the talks of supplementing with formula will cease. Maybe, just maybe, this roller coaster we have been riding will stop and life will be a nice walk in the park.

Thanks to everyone who has stood behind and beside us through the past 4 months and have taken my phone calls and emails of frustration/defeat/elation.

Who knew that only a little bit of tea daily would be what would solve this problem. I wish I would have bought some months ago. I blame it on my lack of time.

We always need something to blame it on.

Morning Conversation with the Boy

Little N, "what you doing?"

Me, considering the fact I've heard this question a million times already this morning, choose to ignore the question. Maybe he will forget that he asked it and go on driving(pushing) his truck around the house. No such luck.

Little N, "MOMMY, what you doing?"

Me, ignoring that he placed my name in front of the question as if I didn't know it was directed at me the first time he asked it. I don't answer, am I ignorant too? Don't I realize he is just as stubborn as I am?

Little N, clearing his throat in a cute 2 year old boy sort of way, "Ah aaah"

Me, giving in to his persistence, "WHAT?!"

Little N, knowing that he has won, "What are you doing? "

Me, "Changing. Now, go find your father" Little N drives away.

Clarity in Chaos-for real!

Z just fell asleep in my arms. Without nursing. Without rocking. Without hushing. Without any movement what-so-ever. If anyone knows anything about Z and her personality these last few months you would know that this is major. I want to cry. I just might cry.
She is the sweetest, funniest, happiest baby ever. EVER.
Z has been the neediest baby out of our four. I thought number four would be easy. I thought, after having three children already, that I was an experienced mother who knew everything that needs to be know about babies. Z has proven me wrong on many levels.
Z, before we started supplementing with formula, wanted to be held or nursed-all the time! She was not content when she was put down. She did however sleep a good 4-6 hours at night. Good thing too. I might have gone insane if she hadn't .
The past three months have been more than exhausting. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs twist and turns. Z was slowly, slowly gaining weight. About 2-3oz less than recommended. Long story short we have added about 1-2oz of formula to her diet on a daily basis and she is a completely different girl(kind of). She naps. She doesn't need to be held and doesn't demand to be fed all the time. Formula wasn't what I wanted and she hasn't been too fond of it either. She HATES bottles. Formula did make her gassy and we have since switched kinds and it has helped. This week she gained 6oz and now weighs 7lbs 3oz. She is finally getting to a great newborn weight! We've broken out the 0-3 month clothes for her! Soon I'll need to buy bigger diapers! The ones we bought were only suppose to last the first 6 weeks!
Deep breath.
I love her uncontrollably. But I've never met a baby like her before. My little Z-girl.

October

October is my favorite month... for many reasons.
Fall, my favorite season, is in full bloom. The leaves are changing colors. The morning air is nice and crisp. Apple cider. Pumpkins.
Ocotber reminds me of the Tulsa State Fair and trips to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. My Birthday and some of my besties' birthdays.
It is a wonderful month.
This month is also marked with fresh heartache. My forth child was lost this month, just a year ago, on the third(which is also my nephew's birthday).
I remember it like yesterday. The night before I was working, it was a busy night, I closed and my first clue to something being amiss was that I made it through without needing to eat something. The next morning I awoke to cramping and blood and that was the beginning of the worst couple days/week of my life.
But isn't that life? That joys and heartaches come together?

Daughters

A little something I've been thinking about.
I've been meaning to write this for awhile now but couldn't because we were keeping the fact that Z was a girl a secret.
I grew up with brothers, two of them, I was wedged in-between them with one being older and one being younger. I've always dreamed of having lots of children, mostly lots of boys. Right before I had children I thought five boys would be nice. Then I became pregnant- with a girl. I was..... disappointed. Maybe a little confused too. Boys were my dream. ALL boys. Yet, God threw me this curve ball of a first born daughter. I didn't know anything about girls, never was much of a "girl" myself growing up. I always wanted to be a tomboy but my shyness prevented me from really being one. I didn't know how I would handle a daughter, girls were so dramatic, so katty, so girlish. I declared that this daughter of mine should not wear pink! She was going to be as boyish I could make her.
The pink thing didn't last long. Then after that I had to get used to Disney Princesses and Care Bears( really dislike them) and Barbies( we just have a few, I've been able to keep Barbies at bay).
Then less than a year later I was blessed with yet another daughter. More pink. More girlly things. When she was a year old I bought my first pink shirt that I willingly wore. Who was this person I was turning into.
My dream of having five boys was quickly fading. That would mean seven kids. J and I compromised with five.
After a few more years I became pregnant again, this time with a boy! Yes! Finally the son I always dreamed about. He is that and much more. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect son. But as he grew I realized the nature of boys and started appreciating my girls more. I can't say which are easier to raise or are "better" to have. Girls and Boys are just different.
Then came Z. At her ultrasound I was scanning the screen trying to make boy parts appear where they were missing. Another girl? Are you sure? How positive are you? But even with the girl confirmation, the joy I have had keeping her a secret and the little things I have bought for her a secret, I still wasn't sure she was a girl until after she came out and I checked her to make sure. Why? Because I was sure I was suppose to be a mother to a bunch of sons.

God knew better. Her ultrasound awakened me. I began to think of what it meant to be a mother to daughters. All along I was having girls and hoping for boys and I never thought much about what raising daughters should be like, I was still holding out for the boys to come but then WHAM three girls?

A mother to daughters.

Pink.

Braided hair.

Ribbons.

Dresses.

Dress up clothes.

Baby dolls.

This is my life.

Teaching them to be strong, unwavering, patient, kind, gentle, someday good mothers to their children. I realized I needed to kick it up a notch. I realized that I needed to learn more about being a mother to girls. I think I need to be more caring, loving, a good example of what a mother should be. I know I've failed sometimes. I've been too harsh, not a good listener, not motherly, I've yelled when I should have held my temper and the list goes on of the mistakes I've made. But I'm now up to the challenge. I've decided to learn what this mothering of girls is suppose to be like. I want to be a positive influence on my daughters. I want them to learn from my mistakes so they don't need to make their own. I want to be there for them when their world is falling apart. I want to be the first one they want to call when something great happens in their life or when something horrible happens in their life. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything.

I love that Z has brought be to this point in my life. Such a little life has renewed my perspective on life. She is truly a blessing to me. All my daughters are.

Introducing...

Zoe Abigail Anne

*usually I don't use our "real" names when I blog

so this will be the first and only time

(unless I slip) that I'll mention her name...

after this post she will be referred to as Z*

Zoe was born at home. For her birth story and birth pictures please visit Creating More Clarity.

I think names are special. They usually mean something to someone.

Zoe

I stole Zoe from a friend who had wanted to have a daughter named Zoe but for many reasons doesn't. I asked if I could have it and she said I could-so I stole it.

Zoe means life. It's special to me because she wouldn't be here if we hadn't miscarried the baby before her. I therefor think her life is extra special and that she is destined to greatness. Her name is a reminder of the blessing of her life and of that life that we lost. Zoe is a strong solid name.

Abigail

Abigail was picked by J. Abigail means her father's joy or fountain of joy. Every girl should be their father's joy! The name has Hebrew roots which fits into our family well because of all the Hebrew and Greek names we have.(We like to keep it Biblical around here)

Anne

Anne is my middle name. When I found out we were going to be blessed with another daughter I knew I needed to give her my middle name somehow. M has my first name as her middle name. L has my maiden name as her middle name. So to complete what I started it just makes since for Zoe to have Anne in her name. Anne means grace. And don't we all need a little grace in our life?

So there it is. Our little life, our little joy, our little grace, our blessing. I look forward to getting to know this little girl and seeing her grow into a strong little girl and eventually into a strong women.

Coffee

I started drinking coffee, regularly, after the birth of my son(third child). Honestly, it should have started sooner. Coffee helped me cope with my children, better. It gave me an extra kick after being sleep deprived from waking up several times in the middle of the night for feedings. Our son has been our worst night sleeper.... he still sometimes, at two years of age, finds his way into our room and into our bed. He was still needing a drink in the middle of the night, at 8 or 9 months. The girls were both sleeping through the night before they were 3 months old.

So yeah, coffee helped me. I wish I would have starting drinking after my second child was born. I think it would have been highly beneficial for me, having an 11 month old and newborn to take care off. There would have been a lot less Mommy fits and a lot more Mommy love.

Lately the caffeine in my coffee has been bothering me. I still enjoy the occasional caffeinated cup, but I've switched over to decaf for my almost daily drinking. I just love the smell and the taste so much, it tricks you into thinking you have more energy. Maybe once the baby is born I will switch back to the caffeine cup. I might need to more than want too. It's all about finding clarity... sometimes you need a little help. Coffee is my help.

*btw, sometimes I add a little bit of Baileys in my cup..... yummy.... I definitely can not wait to do that again, after the baby is born*

Day by Day

Little N is in the process of taking a nap, he has successfully brought all of his lovey items into my room, naming each one as he brings it. I am 100% exhausted and should be napping but my nap keeps on being interrupted by screaming girls and N, who has decided that he should not nap. So maybe N will fall asleep in my bed next to me, while I blog, order curriculum for next year and upload pictures to Snapfish all things that are on my to-do list for today.We just arrived home last night after a week in Mt. Pleasant. We were there attending Vacation Bible School at our home church, New Life Christian Fellowship. Well, the children were attending, I was volunteered to be a crew leader for the week, and J helped out when he was there(he spend a couple days in BR doing his weekly volunteer work). We stayed at our friend's home, they also have three children. The week was anything but relaxing but lots of fun. It was nice to stay at our friend's house and the children had a good time playing with each other. Vacation Bible School was fun but exhausting and we(us moms) are planning out ways to not "volunteer" next year. We need good excuses, let us know if you have any. It would be nice to drop all the kids off and run away for 3 hours, every day, for a week. Maybe we can get the men to volunteer? Maybe.

Today I think I have done 8 loads of laundry. I am in the process of de-Easterizing my living/dining room. The previous home owners stenciled tulips on the wall, have blue, pink and yellow stripped wall paper and curtains to match. I've taken down the curtains, leaving plain white ones and am thinking of painting over the tulips sometime this week. Easter is not my favorite holiday and I'm tired of constantly being reminded of it.

I need to decorate my walls and have decided to print some of my favorite Artsy photos to hang up. I have a few in mind and want to order some this next week. Hence the uploading to Snapfish that I mentioned earlier.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and have decided to deliver the baby on July 28. That way his/her birthday will be 7-28-11. My birthday is on the 28th of October so that should be easy to remember and 7-11 is easy to remember too. I need something easy, this is my forth child and I already cannot remember my age.

Talking about photography(we were talking about that right). J has decided that I need a name for my photography adventures. Well, I really need something a can paste across my photos so no one can steal them. He thinks we should go along with my whole clarity theme and name it Clarity Photography. He is in the process of making a logo for it. I like Clarity Studios or Clarity Photography Studios. But I don't have a studio. So can I add that? I don't even take photos for anyone else right now. Anyway, let me know what you think.

This is my Easter themed dining/living room.

Six or Sixteen?

M turned six on the tenth. I cannot believe she is six already! Where has my baby gone? We celebrated all day and into the next day.My family came up for lunch and then J's family came up for dinner and stayed the night. We had cake, ice cream and lots of other yummy food! She opened presents, then spent the afternoon playing with them.

The next day her Grandma took her and L to the rollerskating rink. It was their first time rollerskating and they did quite well. M was skating by herself in the middle of the rink by the time we left and L would go by herself along the wall. They both had fun and both want to go back again(which is good!).

Then that night we all went out for a family dinner at Crankers. I ordered an adult chicken tenders meal for the three kids to share thinking that there would be no way that they would finish it. They all surprised me by wiping their plates clean!

M went out with her Daddy to see Kung Fu Panda 2. It's tradition in our house to go out with your Daddy to the movies on your birthday. They had fun and L and I put N to sleep then L and I watched a movie in my bed. We all had a great time. It was a wonderful Sixth birthday!

Grief

It's hard to write this but it needs to be written.

I've been feeling a little down lately, overwhelmed maybe, I honestly can't describe it and I didn't figure out why until I happened to visit babycenter.com on my iPad where I must have signed up for pregnancy updates when I was pregnant before this pregnancy.

I've been wondering lately when my other baby was due. I knew it was coming soon or maybe it had passed without me knowing.

But I guess I did know even though I didn't know.

Apparently I was due two weeks ago.

Grief is a sneaky emotion.

It seems to come and go.. maybe like ocean waves?

The mourning process is hard after you miscarry. It seems like the world around you is over it way before you are. When people are willing to talk to you about it you are not ready to talk about it. When you are ready to start the healing process, everyone has seemed to have forgotten that it ever happened. Eventually you might try to forget and live your life as if it never happened and then BANG! it hits you again. The emotion. The longing for what could have been. It's been in my mind a lot lately and now I know why. My body, my mind, my soul, my spirit, all want to be holding a newborn baby. A baby that is at least two weeks old right now.

This pregnancy has helped me to heal. But not fully heal. It has been like a fake healing. I've been able to push aside my feelings because I've had to focus on the life that is growing inside me. It's been good but also bad.

It's crazy how one event can train-wreck your life. Before I seemed so focused. Homeschooling was going great. It was what I would call our most planned pregnancy. Then it failed. I felt like I failed. It made it hard to recover. Homeschooling was stalled and it never really got back on the track it was on before. My life is still a ongoing process of getting back on the right path.

Now I need to learn to somehow grieve alongside my joy.

I've been thinking a lot about this LIFE inside me and how this LIFE would not, could not, be here if the miscarriage had not happened. How could I be pregnant with this one if I was pregnant with the one before? It wouldn't have happened. It almost makes me think that this one is extra special.

My extra special blessing from God.

They have purpose.

A unique calling on their life.

Those are my thoughts as I start this recovery process, yet again. You can grieve with me if you like and we can all pray for the mothers, fathers, families, that are dealing with the loss of life.

Irish Twins

I really can't pass up the chance to blog about my Irish twins during the three weeks out of the year that they are the same age. My daughters are 11 months 1 week apart in age. When I became pregnant with my second daughter my oldest daughter was only a few months old. If she had been born on her due date they would have been one week under being exactly one year apart but she came two weeks early. It was an exciting time in our life, I remember my oldest's One Year Birthday Party with her two week old baby sister. Both of them don't remember anytime without the other. They are almost /or as close as twins. Sometimes they call each other their twin.

I first heard of Irish twins when I was in high school. I believe "true" Irish twins are siblings born in the same calendar year. Some people count those born within 12 months of each other and some stretch it out to within 18 months of each other. Some people have Irish triplets, three children born under three years of each other(whew! that would be exhausting). I've always wondered what would be harder, Irish twins or real twins. I want to find someone who has had experience with both so I can ask them. Or someday have twins myself so I will know.

So was it/or is it hard having two children so close in age?

I think it's difficult having children so close together. In a lot of ways it's like having two babies at the same time. I think I might "roll with the punches" a lot easier then some. I never thought of it being really difficult. The first year was the hardest and it has become progressively easier ever since. Now, if I just had the two if them, my life would be "a piece of cake" but how healthy is cake? They add so much joy to my life and so does their two year old brother, who could imagine life without him?

We had the opportunity to take just the two girls with us to a wedding this past weekend and it was so very nice to have just the two of them. I love them so much. My little Irish twins, my girls(I never ever wanted a daughter and now have found myself blessed so much with them/by them, I could not imagine life without daughters). Being a mother of daughters has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I feel like girls need to be loved, encouraged, supported.. not that boys don't, but it is just different. Maybe you understand if you have both boys and girls. I don't think I realized it so much until this pregnancy. I feel like, for some reason that I don't know, I've been entrusted with daughters. Even though I always wanted a house full of boys, God knew that I needed daughters. They have changed me in ways I cannot explain. I find myself needing to be gentler, more caring, more understanding. They make me think my life. Am I a good example of what a women is/should be? Girls need to be cuddled, protected, they need to feel love from their family so that later they won't try to find it somewhere else and then be hurt. I love, love, love my girls.

Outsiders see them and think they are twins because they think they look so much alike. And yes, if you look at their hair color, height and eye color they do "look" like each other. But in their facial features, body structure and personality they are totally, completely different. M is our social butterfly while L is our wallflower, although they cannot be defined by only that. If you really know M then you would know that at times she is shy. She is thoughtful, caring, a born leader, able to talk and relate to anyone. She is strong, athletic, a risk taker, and smarter than what she should be. She is a go-get er, a self motivator and loves to be busy. She wants to be on the go, doing everything she can possibly do in a day.

L has two personalities. She can be crazy and wild. Her smile is contagious. She is funny, a clown, entertaining. But also ultra sensitive. Doesn't like anyone laughing at her even if it is because we find her funny because she is so adorable. She take everything seriously. She can switch personalities at a drop of a coin and be withdrawn and upset. You really need to be careful what you say and do around her. Even though she jokes, she doesn't like your jokes. She also is very caring and loving and loves to be loved and have one-on-one attention.

Tomorrow is the end of their "Irish twin weeks", my oldest baby turns 6.

Can you believe that?

I have a hard time handling it.

M is maybe 8 months old in this and I am 5 months pregnant?

M and L's first picture together.

A few days after L was born.

Memorial Day Weekend

Sunday we went up to the in-laws to borrow their truck and trailer and move a bunch of our stuff that we had been storing at their house back to our new house. We took off in the afternoon, it was nice and sunny out at the time. By the time we arrived at their house you could tell the weather was about to change. Sure enough half way through loading the truck and trailer up it started to rain and it didn't stop raining until half-way through our trip back.. Luckily it wasn't Oklahoma rain. *When it rains in Oklahoma it is always a downpour(at least that's what I think)* We made it back home, unpacked the stuff and prepared to make the drive again the next way.

Memorial Day we woke up to 72 degrees and humid. Weather that happens everyday in Oklahoma at this time of year. So it didn't bother me too much that it was uncomfortable weather. I figured that #1 it was not going to be 100 degrees plus humidity and #2 it was only going to be like this for one day or maybe two, NOT for the rest of the summer. I guess living in Oklahoma for the past four years has made me appreciate Michigan summers. I will always be able to think.. this could be worse.

Anyways, Memorial Day was nice. We took off a little later than I had hoped. L had a major breakdown at breakfast, she refused to eat the cereal I had and I refused to make anything different for her. I offered some of her favorite foods as alternatives, applesauce, yogurt, and she refused those too. So I told her we were not stopping for food on the way to Grandma and Grandpas so don't ask and don't tell me your hungry. As the meltdown was happening J was needing help loading an old clothes washer into the tuck. I was not much help. He did eventually get it in by himself. And little N took off towards the road a few times(the backyard is not 100% fenced in yet.. he likes to run to the front door and exclaim "TADA!!!".. yeah... not funny little mister. So we finally took off. Sure enough on the way L said "My tummy hurts but that is probably because I didn't eat anything" Lesson learned. I brought some mac and cheese to make when we arrived.

So after we arrived I made lunch, and we walked down to the pond. The girls collected frogs and tadpoles from the pond. They went on boat rides and I tried to sit as much as possible. We all got a little sun but didn't burn at all. We headed back home towards the middle of the afternoon. The river was full of people floating down it.

After we got home J cooked up some food on the grill while the kids played on the play-set we had brought home from the in-laws and we sat down for dinner at the picnic table that we had also brought home. It was soo nice out at that point. Still sunny, still hot, still humid but still nice.

Dinner outside.

HUGS

View of the picnic table from kitchen window.

Building the Stash

(picture of my growing diaper stash)

It's been over a month since we purchased disposable diapers. I would say it's going on two months. Last time we purchased some, we bought a box of diapers and a box of pull-ups from Sams Club. It was before I got the idea of "going green" and investing in some cloth diapers. Actually it was more the idea of saving money that made me switch and believe me, it has been a blessing to have the cloth diapers now. Without them I would have had to already purchase more disposables. With moving and not having any money coming to us until recently, this would have been a major strain on us financially.

The transition has been an easy one. We still have some pull-ups that we use when we are out of town. At this point I do not love the idea of dealing with a poop filled diaper when we are not in our house.. with our trusty diaper sprayer. Although our first poop filled cloth diaper experience was at my MIL's house and it wasn't really that bad.

A friend let us borrow a bunch of her cloth diapers. Which about doubled our stash. Now I don't have to wash everyday.. .even though some days I do.

Since we have been here... when I've had some money.. I've made two purchases toward my newborn diaper stash. Green Mountain Diapers has had sales on "seconds" PreFold diapers. PreFolds that for one reason or another were made a little off and therefore cannot be firsts. So I have on hand 1 dozen newborn size PreFolds and have another dozen being shipped to my house as I write this. That will give me two dozen PreFolds for the little one. The deals were too good to pass up and maybe saved me $10. I have yet to decide what else I will purchase for the first two months. Newborn size diapers only fit for a little while. I would love to purchase some cute AIO's but they are expensive... if the reason for me cloth diapering is to save money.

Dreaded Questions

One question I dread hearing when I'm out with all three of my kids is "Are they all yours?". Then after seeing my 29 week baby bump it is usually followed up by "And your expecting another one" The looks. The stares. It all gets old after awhile.

I don't know why I dread it. This was my choice and I love being pregnant with my forth. I guess I just wish people would be more positive or keep their negativism to themselves. After all this is my life, I am an adult, a good mother and I should be able to decide- with input from my husband of course- how many children I have. Especially being complete strangers I feel like they have no right to comment on my growing family. I find it rude. Didn't they ever hear the saying "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?" All these children are obviously mine and I am more than obviously pregnant. Just don't ask. Please don't ask!

So today, we were out on a walk, J and the girls, who were riding their bikes, were way far ahead of N and I. I was pushing him in the stroller. We came upon a house where two people, a man and a woman, were waiting for someone who had run into the house(I watched this all happen).

So that feeling came over me and I couldn't help thinking "Please don't ask me about my children being so great in number and mention the fact that I'm pregnant with yet another one."

So I walk past and didn't hear the woman yell "Are they all yours?"

Her husband(just assuming that he was) yelled out of the car "Miss, she wants to know if they are all yours?"

I turned around, being already pass the house, and answered "Yes, they are."

The woman then replied, "And you're having another one."

I said "Yes, I am"

"Well, Congratalations!!" She said "We had seven."

As I continued walking I couldn't help thinking "Now, that's how that conversation should go!"

Thank you kind stranger lady.

The Day

L turned five on Thursday. We had a small celebration for her. We invited the grandparents. Mine were not able to come because my mom just got home from Africa(good excuse).

Ellie opened two presents before her birthday, one from my parents(a bag for L's random things) and one from Kathleen(a tea cart).

She also received a Ladybug tea set. A ladybug hat. A ladybug game. A fishing pole. A baby doll with a wagon and puppy. And a Tinker Bell folding chair.

She also got to pick a balloon from the store and pick out a special present for herself(she chose the third Tinker Bell Movie)

After lunch, cake, ice cream and present opening we headed out to Cran-Hill Ranch and the kids were able to help feed some of the animals, play on a playground and....

they all had pony rides.

After that M went home with J's parents and L and N came home with us.

L headed to Mt. P with J to the movie theater and Mc D's.(their annual father/daughter time)

And N and I had the whole house to ourselves.

It was a great Five Year Birthday.

Ladybug Cake

L requested a Ladybug cake for her FIFTH birthday and this is what I came up with. She picked out the cake mix. It's a double layer cake(first time I've made a double layer.... I wanted to add a cool filling but refrained) The bottom part is chocolate and the head is made of chocolate cake mix( I bought 3 small round cake pans.. they came in a pack of three) and the top layer is confetti cake(my favorite). The extra confetti cake mix we made into 6 cupcakes that we attempted to make into small ladybugs but I'm not that talented. L insisted on antennas(which she called antlers) so I had J buy some black licorice while he went out to get more frosting. The black dots are Oreo cookies(It made me want a Oreo ice cream cake.. yum yum yum)

Ladybug cake from the side.

Happy Birthday L!

Make a wish.

Good Morning Sunshine

My morning wake up call.

J brewed some this morning. I could smell it upstairs.

This is how a little man eats his breakfast.. with his feet up on the table.

I guess when we go shopping we need eggs, milk, juice and a Micah...

even though we already have a Micah.

PBS Kids.. girls took turns playing on it in the morning.

This is our source of homeschooling at the moment because all the curriculum is still packed.

Little man love.

Nature

Banana Bread

BANANA BREAD

Who knew it would be so frustrating at first but I was determined.

We had one nasty banana that I had been saving for the past couple days to make some banana bread. So I found a recipe online. Mashed up the nasty banana with a fresher looking one then searched for our baking soda. Found out that it is either #1 missing or #2 we don't actually have any. So I searched online for substitutes. Found that you can substitute 2 teaspoons of baking power for the 1 teaspoon of baking soda. But then you have to take out the acidic liquid in the recipe and add a non-acidic liquid. I looked at the recipe again and the only liquid I was adding was vanilla. So I searched online to make sure that is acidic-it is. So then I searched for a sweet liquid that was non-acidic, that we had. I searched first for substitutes for vanilla. Came up with Maple Syrup but that is acidic too. Saw on the same site that honey is not acidic. I had honey so we added that. Phew! With all the researching done I could make the bread... praying that it would actually turn out alright and all my time wasn't wasted.

The small loaf was made for Ellie, we had a little bread pan.

I added chocolate chips to her bread.

We LOVE banana bread!!!

Hopscotch

The girl's first hopscotch experience.

It's a warm and sunny day.

There's no need to be inside.

So we went outside.

And I decided to show the girls what hopscotch is.

So I drew some up, with numbers and told them how it works.

Eventually they were counting while they hopped.

M tried counting backwards while hopping backwards

(a difficult task since she had to read the numbers upside down...

it worked for about four squares).

Then L hopped backwards.

Then M drew up a new course.

Moved In

Wow. Going to be real short and sweet here(yeah right). We packed the moving truck last Sunday(May 1st), drove all day May 2nd(heading out at 4:30 am and arriving at 12:30 am) on minimal hours of sleep(mine was like 3 hours) and unpacked the vehicles May 3rd. My days and times are still out of whack. I am finding it hard to believe that it is May 9th already. I feel like this first week of May has been a blur and soon we will be planning birthday parties(one next week and two in June), summer activities (swimming lessons, camping, conferences, retreats, reunions) and then the new baby(due in early August). Time is going by too fast.

This new town we live in seems to be the biggest city in the county(which is not saying much) , other than the Walmart, Meijer and Save-A-Lot I have yet to find a grocery store. The Walmart is a super Walmart.

The girls marvel at the quietness of the stores. I am amazed at the city streets being so quiet. We took a nice walk around our neighborhood. It was very peaceful. We found the community pool(3 blocks) and the elementary school that has a playground(4 blocks).

We are slowly getting everything unpacked.

We bought a grill and have grilled out a lot since we have arrived. I'm loving it.

Our dishwasher is not working right, we have yet to investigate the reason why. But I am loving doing the dishes(If you know me at all you know how weird that is... I LOVE dishwasher and HATE doing dishes). We still have two clothes washers and two clothes dryers. But the washer will be changed out soon.

Cloth diapers.

I started cloth diapering with Nathaniel. We have 8 of them. So it has been a wash every day process and trying to use the rest of the disposables that we have. I love them. I'm not sure why I didn't switch to this earlier. We have not had any leaks yet and we have had 3 poop filled diaper experiences. Still loving it. I know I will need to invest in a few more in order to do this full time with Nathaniel and probably soon, I'm trying to only use the ones we have today to see how many he goes through.

Well.. there is so much more to say but I've been online all morning.

It's Ours! and more...

YAY!!! We received the closing paperwork for the house we are buying in the mail today. Signed it and send it back to MI. Technically everything was dated for yesterday but it wasn't official until we signed it(in my mind). So...... we own a house!!!! It's ours! Our very own to do whatever we please with. Now, after two weeks, we will be moving in. I CANNOT WAIT.

Other than that N has decided to start potty training.... which can be a little frustrating when you are moving in two weeks and really do not want to start. But I can't discourage it. He takes his diaper off whenever it is wet or dirty(not fun)... he sits on the toilet and pees and poops. He has also taken to peeing on the carpet in random areas of the house if I don't catch him soon enough after he has gone commando. Frustrating is the word. Today the diaper came off multiple times and he peed on the floor in at least five places.

Other than that I've decided to do two things after we move to save money. One is to shop with coupons and shop with the sales trends and another is to use cloth diapers, which I've updated my other blog about.

Other than that we are moving. In two weeks. This weekend is my last weekend working. After than we have a homeschooling convention to attend, my Dad to pick up in Kansas City, a tumbling showcase, J's hooding and graduation ceremonies, packing, packing and more packing........... then the move. Is it creeping up on us? Yes. Are we prepared? No. Who can be? I'm leaving my best friend here. Who could be prepared for that? Four years went by way, way, too fast and although I am grateful for everything that has happened that has made our relationship grow into something that we wouldn't have had if we hadn't moved here. Separation is hard. Leaving is hard. Moving is hard. Although I look forward to the life I will have in MI with my new house, being closer to family and old friends and the starting of the church plant and campus ministry. Nothing can replace what I'm leaving behind here. And it's just not my best friend(although she is a major, major part of it) but all the other people that I've met that have changed my life. Changed who I am and my view on life's happenings. These things, people, can never be replaced. I will miss you more than I will ever be able to express in words or in person.

Puke, Headaches and Not Enough Sleep

I have closed the store for the past three nights in a row. Came home at 12:30 am the first night, 1:00 am the second night and was positive I would be home by 11:30 or earlier last night, but I didn't know the dishwasher was that slow. I came home at 11:50 pm. I was excited to get in bed close to midnight, excited about sleeping. I learned shortly after I arrived home that L had puked a half hour earlier. Hoping it was just a one time thing I climbed into bed. Before I could drift off to sleep she was crying. It wasn't a one time thing. She wanted to take a bath, I cleaned the bathtub out of the previously puked on clothes(I guess not everything had fit into the washer) and gave her a quick bath. I decided to move her into our room so she would be closer to us if she did it again so I blew up a small sleeping bag and mattress that the girls have, not knowing that it made an annoying squeaky sound when she rolled over. She puked one more time during the night, had two episodes of dirty undies due to diarrhea during the night. Spilled her cup of water I had given her and had to move to sleeping on a comforter on the floor. So my must needed sleep did not happen.
Fast forward to this morning I was trying to sleep in a little, after changing the boy's diaper and giving him his cup of milk I gave the girls permission to put on movie and layed back in bed, again before drifting asleep I heard the dreaded "N threw up all over the living room!". Great. Cleaned it up, made breakfast for myself, gave N some toast because he wanted food. Puke again. Bad idea. After that he was demanding more food, and cups of juice and milk but I refuse to give him anything more than water. Poor guy. I hope M doesn't get it too but we all know she is probably next. All I want is sleep but should I even attempt it?

Expectedness

Lots of things are beginning to change around here. We are getting close to the month count-down of our moving date. We are closing on our house April 18. I cannot wait to get up there and start projects before it's too hot! As far as we know there is no working air-conditioning in the house. I am praying for a mildly warm summer. Although we have been used to 100 degree summers for the past four years. Hot is hot. Plus we've have air-conditioning. There is a unit on the house, but we are assuming it doesn't work. But I could live with it not being any warmer than 75 or 80 degrees. I've always wanted a house that I can paint. I'm tired of these white-walls.
I am no longer serving at work. Will, I have one more night I'm scheduled as a server. Tonight I started training to close as a manager. I will be doing that 3-4 times a week until we move. I train tonight, Saturday and Sunday night. I have a serving shift on Tuesday night and then close BY MYSELF on Wednesday night. I'm not sure how this will effect my energy levels. For some reason I cannot sleep past 8a.m. I hope that changes. Most likely I will be getting in sometime between midnight and 2a.m., depending on the night. I'm excited to NOT be serving anymore, it was becoming difficult and I can hardly fit into the pants I was wearing as part of my uniform. I bought two new dress shirts to wear.
I am evaluating our homeschool curriculum. There is a convention in Oklahoma City at the end of April that I plan on attending. I am trying to figure out what we will be using for next year. Most likely we will need to school until July to make up for missed days, take a month off in August and start back up in September. It will be an exciting summer leading up to an exciting coming year.

Hands Down

Sorry all you parents out there.

Hands Down.

I have the cutest kids.

My boy is the cutest boy ever.

My girls are cute with or without their crazy hair done. But after I put L's hair in braids, Laura Ingalls style, of course and M's crazy thick hair pulled back into a pony-tail, they are so stinkin' adorable(did God give me girls so I could learn how to style hair?)

My next child will be just as cute if not cuter. My one wish is to have a brown hair child. I had brown hair when I was younger. Can I not have one just like me? Maybe even the next two? I know that eventually all of my blond haired children will have brown hair. That is just what seems to happen in our families.

But a cute little brown haired child from the get-go?

Would that not just add to the cuteness?

I think it just might.

I know I should pray for a healthy child.. but can I add some brown hair in that prayer?

The House

We close on our first house April 18, less than a month away. I can't wait to get inside and paint it! I've always wanted a house of my own that I can paint whatever color I like. After living in apartment after apartment for almost 7 years now(since we've been married), and living with white or cream colored walls surrounding me, I'm excited to get some more color in my living space. We really made out great. The house has six bedrooms, two living spaces, three bathrooms, a decent sized kitchen and dining room, laundry room and laundry chute. Oh, and a one car garage and a good sized back yard.

I'm excited, J's excited and the children are excited.

Our parents are excited about getting rid of the furniture in their houses(I don't know how I feel about that).

Front of House(when we move and there is no snow I will take some better pictures)

Back of house. The door on the left takes you into the dining room/kitchen area.

Upstairs living room. You can see the stairs to the front door and first floor.

Kitchen. Downstairs.

Big Announcement

Here it goes... I'M PREGNANT!

Yep.. we are adding one more to our house of five, we are becoming a family of six. This little baby inside me is 18 weeks old. I found out in early December and because of past events, decided to keep this little one a secret. We had an ultrasound today and found out if this little one is a girl or a boy and received a pretty clear picture. But you will have to wait until August to find out that one. I'm determined to keep it a secret that long. But my lovely 4 year old and 5 year old might let it out if they figure out what I am "having" before that.

If you want to follow my baby blog http://creatingmoreclarity.blogspot.com/

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light,

not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous,

talented,

fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God

that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;

it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

My Men

I cut J's hair off last night. It was a sad moment. We have been growing it out for months and when I say "we" I really mean that I was refusing to cut it all off, just little trims here and there and J was going along with me because he loves me. I love his long hair. I wish he had it long all the time. I have been his official hair cutter ever since we were married almost 7 years ago. Between then and now you could count the number of time he has not had his hair cut by me with his fingers. And we all know that men who have short hair need a hair cut every two months or so. That is a lot of money saved. It justifies me getting a $70 hair cut every once in awhile. I actually need one right now.So we and I mean me, cut all his hair off. It was a longer than normal process because the clipper was not working properly with that much hair so I had to trim it first and then clip. But finally we finished and here is the finished project.... My Men J and N.

Here is another one. N is doing his "say cheese" face and J is too.

Here is N. He climbed onto the second shelf on the bookshelf.

N being cute.

Hanging On

Hanging On

by Britt Nicole

You see my anxious heart

You see what I am feeling

And when I fall apart

You are there to hold me

How great Your love for me

Now I see what You're thinking

You say I'm beautiful

Your voice is my healing

Without You I just can't get by

So I'm

Hanging on to every word You speak

'Cause it's all that I need

Hanging on to every word You say

To light up my way

Even every little whisper I'm

Hanging on as if it were my life

I'm hanging on

And when the darkness falls

I can't see what's before me

Your voice is like the dawn

Always there to guide me

Sometimes you need someone else to give you words to describe what you are feeling....

Exhausted

The Merriam-Webster dictionary lists one of the definitions of

EXHAUSTED is: to tire extremely or completely

I think that fully describes how I feel.

Another long Sunday morning. We had a 12 top, a 13 top, a 11 top, a 8 top, several 6 tops and 7 tops. It was a long morning.... it didn't last as long as last Sunday but I did get yelled at twice. And the servers seemed a little more needy then normal but that was probably because we sent home two people for showing up late. We are trying to crack down on servers being late and sticking to our word when we say "next time you will be sent home"

We are trying to work out our call ahead and walk-in seating. How it should work is when someone calls ahead a time gets written down saying when they called and when they are expected to show up(some call hours ahead of time). Then when they show up they are fit into our walk-in list. This means that someone who calls at 10:30 and someone who walks in at 10:30, should be sat around the same time. It then will decide who gets priority when it comes to bigger tables, for example a 12 top and 13 top. For those who don't know, I work as a key manager on Saturdays and Sundays. On Sundays I usually work the host stand which consists of seating tables as fast as I can. Normally we have two tables in the restaurant that can seat 6 people.. if you add chairs you can seat 8. We have 9 booths that can seat up to 5 people. We have several booths and tables that can seat 4 and some that seat just 2. Other than that we have to push tables together to seat anyone who comes in with a party of 9 or more.

Today we had a party who called ahead with a party of 13, they said they would be here in 10 minutes and wanted to be sat right away. I asked the host who took the call if they told them that that was impossible and they said no, they didn't say that they could be sat right away either. So when the party showed up the host at the host stand said the wait was an hour(an accurate time for a party that large), she didn't know it was a party that had called ahead. The lady then wanted to talk to a manager and I was there to talk. I told her that I was so sorry that the host had given them that time and that she must not have been informed that the party had already called ahead. I told her that we were sorry if she had been told on the phone that she would be able to be sat right away. That that was not our policy. Those who call ahead are placed on a list and then fit in to another list when they arrive. I told her that we had several large parties ahead of her and that we would get her sat as soon as possible. Whew!

Then later I had a party of 5. Supposedly the lady had come and looked at our list or asked someone where she was on the list and someone told her that she was the next one to be called. Now that does not necessarily mean that you will be the next one called. Especially with a party of 5. She said several tables had been called ahead of her and that her husband is diabetic. I asked her if she wanted us to bring out some bread for her husband, that the tables that I had called were probably smaller than parties of 5 and that is why they were sat before she was or that they were parties that had called ahead. She than said that there were some 6's that were called.(still a possibility... I don't remember her asking me and I think I would have.... .her name was on the top of a list but it might have not been the list I was calling from... which doesn't make her on the top) I told her we would get her sat as soon as possible, luckily we had just had a table that seats 6 open up that I could put her party of five at.

We were off a wait around 2pm.

Some guy gave me $2, told me I was doing a good job. He has done this for the last couple weeks. Him and his wife like to be sat in a particular room at one of the larger booths.

On the way home a grabbed a couple of Starbucks fraps. That is the only reason I'm writing this blog and not sleeping. Unlike N here, who hadn't had a nap and crashed on top of his daddy.