October

October is my favorite month... for many reasons.
Fall, my favorite season, is in full bloom. The leaves are changing colors. The morning air is nice and crisp. Apple cider. Pumpkins.
Ocotber reminds me of the Tulsa State Fair and trips to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. My Birthday and some of my besties' birthdays.
It is a wonderful month.
This month is also marked with fresh heartache. My forth child was lost this month, just a year ago, on the third(which is also my nephew's birthday).
I remember it like yesterday. The night before I was working, it was a busy night, I closed and my first clue to something being amiss was that I made it through without needing to eat something. The next morning I awoke to cramping and blood and that was the beginning of the worst couple days/week of my life.
But isn't that life? That joys and heartaches come together?

Daughters

A little something I've been thinking about.
I've been meaning to write this for awhile now but couldn't because we were keeping the fact that Z was a girl a secret.
I grew up with brothers, two of them, I was wedged in-between them with one being older and one being younger. I've always dreamed of having lots of children, mostly lots of boys. Right before I had children I thought five boys would be nice. Then I became pregnant- with a girl. I was..... disappointed. Maybe a little confused too. Boys were my dream. ALL boys. Yet, God threw me this curve ball of a first born daughter. I didn't know anything about girls, never was much of a "girl" myself growing up. I always wanted to be a tomboy but my shyness prevented me from really being one. I didn't know how I would handle a daughter, girls were so dramatic, so katty, so girlish. I declared that this daughter of mine should not wear pink! She was going to be as boyish I could make her.
The pink thing didn't last long. Then after that I had to get used to Disney Princesses and Care Bears( really dislike them) and Barbies( we just have a few, I've been able to keep Barbies at bay).
Then less than a year later I was blessed with yet another daughter. More pink. More girlly things. When she was a year old I bought my first pink shirt that I willingly wore. Who was this person I was turning into.
My dream of having five boys was quickly fading. That would mean seven kids. J and I compromised with five.
After a few more years I became pregnant again, this time with a boy! Yes! Finally the son I always dreamed about. He is that and much more. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect son. But as he grew I realized the nature of boys and started appreciating my girls more. I can't say which are easier to raise or are "better" to have. Girls and Boys are just different.
Then came Z. At her ultrasound I was scanning the screen trying to make boy parts appear where they were missing. Another girl? Are you sure? How positive are you? But even with the girl confirmation, the joy I have had keeping her a secret and the little things I have bought for her a secret, I still wasn't sure she was a girl until after she came out and I checked her to make sure. Why? Because I was sure I was suppose to be a mother to a bunch of sons.

God knew better. Her ultrasound awakened me. I began to think of what it meant to be a mother to daughters. All along I was having girls and hoping for boys and I never thought much about what raising daughters should be like, I was still holding out for the boys to come but then WHAM three girls?

A mother to daughters.

Pink.

Braided hair.

Ribbons.

Dresses.

Dress up clothes.

Baby dolls.

This is my life.

Teaching them to be strong, unwavering, patient, kind, gentle, someday good mothers to their children. I realized I needed to kick it up a notch. I realized that I needed to learn more about being a mother to girls. I think I need to be more caring, loving, a good example of what a mother should be. I know I've failed sometimes. I've been too harsh, not a good listener, not motherly, I've yelled when I should have held my temper and the list goes on of the mistakes I've made. But I'm now up to the challenge. I've decided to learn what this mothering of girls is suppose to be like. I want to be a positive influence on my daughters. I want them to learn from my mistakes so they don't need to make their own. I want to be there for them when their world is falling apart. I want to be the first one they want to call when something great happens in their life or when something horrible happens in their life. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything.

I love that Z has brought be to this point in my life. Such a little life has renewed my perspective on life. She is truly a blessing to me. All my daughters are.

Introducing...

Zoe Abigail Anne

*usually I don't use our "real" names when I blog

so this will be the first and only time

(unless I slip) that I'll mention her name...

after this post she will be referred to as Z*

Zoe was born at home. For her birth story and birth pictures please visit Creating More Clarity.

I think names are special. They usually mean something to someone.

Zoe

I stole Zoe from a friend who had wanted to have a daughter named Zoe but for many reasons doesn't. I asked if I could have it and she said I could-so I stole it.

Zoe means life. It's special to me because she wouldn't be here if we hadn't miscarried the baby before her. I therefor think her life is extra special and that she is destined to greatness. Her name is a reminder of the blessing of her life and of that life that we lost. Zoe is a strong solid name.

Abigail

Abigail was picked by J. Abigail means her father's joy or fountain of joy. Every girl should be their father's joy! The name has Hebrew roots which fits into our family well because of all the Hebrew and Greek names we have.(We like to keep it Biblical around here)

Anne

Anne is my middle name. When I found out we were going to be blessed with another daughter I knew I needed to give her my middle name somehow. M has my first name as her middle name. L has my maiden name as her middle name. So to complete what I started it just makes since for Zoe to have Anne in her name. Anne means grace. And don't we all need a little grace in our life?

So there it is. Our little life, our little joy, our little grace, our blessing. I look forward to getting to know this little girl and seeing her grow into a strong little girl and eventually into a strong women.

Coffee

I started drinking coffee, regularly, after the birth of my son(third child). Honestly, it should have started sooner. Coffee helped me cope with my children, better. It gave me an extra kick after being sleep deprived from waking up several times in the middle of the night for feedings. Our son has been our worst night sleeper.... he still sometimes, at two years of age, finds his way into our room and into our bed. He was still needing a drink in the middle of the night, at 8 or 9 months. The girls were both sleeping through the night before they were 3 months old.

So yeah, coffee helped me. I wish I would have starting drinking after my second child was born. I think it would have been highly beneficial for me, having an 11 month old and newborn to take care off. There would have been a lot less Mommy fits and a lot more Mommy love.

Lately the caffeine in my coffee has been bothering me. I still enjoy the occasional caffeinated cup, but I've switched over to decaf for my almost daily drinking. I just love the smell and the taste so much, it tricks you into thinking you have more energy. Maybe once the baby is born I will switch back to the caffeine cup. I might need to more than want too. It's all about finding clarity... sometimes you need a little help. Coffee is my help.

*btw, sometimes I add a little bit of Baileys in my cup..... yummy.... I definitely can not wait to do that again, after the baby is born*

Day by Day

Little N is in the process of taking a nap, he has successfully brought all of his lovey items into my room, naming each one as he brings it. I am 100% exhausted and should be napping but my nap keeps on being interrupted by screaming girls and N, who has decided that he should not nap. So maybe N will fall asleep in my bed next to me, while I blog, order curriculum for next year and upload pictures to Snapfish all things that are on my to-do list for today.We just arrived home last night after a week in Mt. Pleasant. We were there attending Vacation Bible School at our home church, New Life Christian Fellowship. Well, the children were attending, I was volunteered to be a crew leader for the week, and J helped out when he was there(he spend a couple days in BR doing his weekly volunteer work). We stayed at our friend's home, they also have three children. The week was anything but relaxing but lots of fun. It was nice to stay at our friend's house and the children had a good time playing with each other. Vacation Bible School was fun but exhausting and we(us moms) are planning out ways to not "volunteer" next year. We need good excuses, let us know if you have any. It would be nice to drop all the kids off and run away for 3 hours, every day, for a week. Maybe we can get the men to volunteer? Maybe.

Today I think I have done 8 loads of laundry. I am in the process of de-Easterizing my living/dining room. The previous home owners stenciled tulips on the wall, have blue, pink and yellow stripped wall paper and curtains to match. I've taken down the curtains, leaving plain white ones and am thinking of painting over the tulips sometime this week. Easter is not my favorite holiday and I'm tired of constantly being reminded of it.

I need to decorate my walls and have decided to print some of my favorite Artsy photos to hang up. I have a few in mind and want to order some this next week. Hence the uploading to Snapfish that I mentioned earlier.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and have decided to deliver the baby on July 28. That way his/her birthday will be 7-28-11. My birthday is on the 28th of October so that should be easy to remember and 7-11 is easy to remember too. I need something easy, this is my forth child and I already cannot remember my age.

Talking about photography(we were talking about that right). J has decided that I need a name for my photography adventures. Well, I really need something a can paste across my photos so no one can steal them. He thinks we should go along with my whole clarity theme and name it Clarity Photography. He is in the process of making a logo for it. I like Clarity Studios or Clarity Photography Studios. But I don't have a studio. So can I add that? I don't even take photos for anyone else right now. Anyway, let me know what you think.

This is my Easter themed dining/living room.

Six or Sixteen?

M turned six on the tenth. I cannot believe she is six already! Where has my baby gone? We celebrated all day and into the next day.My family came up for lunch and then J's family came up for dinner and stayed the night. We had cake, ice cream and lots of other yummy food! She opened presents, then spent the afternoon playing with them.

The next day her Grandma took her and L to the rollerskating rink. It was their first time rollerskating and they did quite well. M was skating by herself in the middle of the rink by the time we left and L would go by herself along the wall. They both had fun and both want to go back again(which is good!).

Then that night we all went out for a family dinner at Crankers. I ordered an adult chicken tenders meal for the three kids to share thinking that there would be no way that they would finish it. They all surprised me by wiping their plates clean!

M went out with her Daddy to see Kung Fu Panda 2. It's tradition in our house to go out with your Daddy to the movies on your birthday. They had fun and L and I put N to sleep then L and I watched a movie in my bed. We all had a great time. It was a wonderful Sixth birthday!

Grief

It's hard to write this but it needs to be written.

I've been feeling a little down lately, overwhelmed maybe, I honestly can't describe it and I didn't figure out why until I happened to visit babycenter.com on my iPad where I must have signed up for pregnancy updates when I was pregnant before this pregnancy.

I've been wondering lately when my other baby was due. I knew it was coming soon or maybe it had passed without me knowing.

But I guess I did know even though I didn't know.

Apparently I was due two weeks ago.

Grief is a sneaky emotion.

It seems to come and go.. maybe like ocean waves?

The mourning process is hard after you miscarry. It seems like the world around you is over it way before you are. When people are willing to talk to you about it you are not ready to talk about it. When you are ready to start the healing process, everyone has seemed to have forgotten that it ever happened. Eventually you might try to forget and live your life as if it never happened and then BANG! it hits you again. The emotion. The longing for what could have been. It's been in my mind a lot lately and now I know why. My body, my mind, my soul, my spirit, all want to be holding a newborn baby. A baby that is at least two weeks old right now.

This pregnancy has helped me to heal. But not fully heal. It has been like a fake healing. I've been able to push aside my feelings because I've had to focus on the life that is growing inside me. It's been good but also bad.

It's crazy how one event can train-wreck your life. Before I seemed so focused. Homeschooling was going great. It was what I would call our most planned pregnancy. Then it failed. I felt like I failed. It made it hard to recover. Homeschooling was stalled and it never really got back on the track it was on before. My life is still a ongoing process of getting back on the right path.

Now I need to learn to somehow grieve alongside my joy.

I've been thinking a lot about this LIFE inside me and how this LIFE would not, could not, be here if the miscarriage had not happened. How could I be pregnant with this one if I was pregnant with the one before? It wouldn't have happened. It almost makes me think that this one is extra special.

My extra special blessing from God.

They have purpose.

A unique calling on their life.

Those are my thoughts as I start this recovery process, yet again. You can grieve with me if you like and we can all pray for the mothers, fathers, families, that are dealing with the loss of life.